Dan Schaumann

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Awkward dates

From the nervousness of the high school prom to the friend-of-a-friend setup; from the cute girl you share a glance with at the bar to the mystery of online romance, dating is something most of us go through with varying degrees of success. It has the ability to induce such a wide range of emotions and outcomes: butterflies, connection, flirtation and lustful embrace, all the way through to boredom, disparity, false advertising and just plain awkwardness. I think we can all agree that some dating experiences are made up of the sweet ingredients you can’t get enough of, whereas others seem to throw the odd sprinkle of pepper into the mixture. It sure is an interesting time to be single and on the market!

I’ve had some brilliant dates over the years but I’ve also had some shockers. I’ve been reminiscing on the latter recently and I came to the realisation that even though a date may not go quite as planned, they’re actually the ones that leave me with the greatest sense of amusement later on down the track. So I decided to share my top three memorable dating scenarios where it’s all gone horribly wrong (for the record, I’m no longer in touch with any of them and no names will be mentioned).

I may not have felt so good about the outcome at the time, but I look back on them all now with a tonne of fondness and I actually hope there are many more wacky encounters like these to come

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Glow Worm Tunnel

The walkway through the tunnel is rugged with small pockets of flowing water weaving its way along the curvature, and without a torch you’d reach pitch blackness within a matter of a few dozen metres. To see the glow worms they say you should find a spot about half-way through, turn your torch off and allow your eyes to adjust to the darkness for a few minutes. Sure enough, before too long I started to notice the walls flicker with the faint radiance of the so-called “fungus gnat”. It was truly a sight to behold.

After walking the whole 400m through to the other side, I spent a fair amount of time on my return journey in the darkness (albeit the occasional flash of a passing couple’s torch) just taking in the brilliance of the glow worms. The longer I spent hidden away in the shadows the more I noticed the insects all around – on the walls next to me, the ceiling above me, behind me and in front of me, akin to the shimmering constellational paradise of an outback twilight.

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Mt Aso

In the early afternoon of November 1st 2012, at an altitude of 1,258m, I stood by the crater of an active volcano, watching the sulphuric steam rise from its core with everlasting fury. The landscape was dry and barren, barely a living organism to be seen aside from the few tourists who gathered around two of the four viewing zones that were currently open. A deep turquoise lake made up the acidic centre of the crater, adding some vibrance to the otherwise monochrome panorama. The fragrance in the air was reminiscent of rotten eggs; every now and then a strong gust of wind would waft the noxious gases a little too close for comfort. A few times I had to mask my mouth with my shirt in order to filter out the pungent vapour and get a breath in. It’s completely understandable how they don’t recommend people suffering from asthma or bronchitis to visit the crater.

I spent around 45 minutes exploring zones C and D, taking in as much of this eerie atmosphere as I possibly could. I stepped inside the concrete emergency shelters dotted around the complex, wondering if they really would offer any form of safety should an eruption occur. I made friends with some locals who struck a convincing pose against the bubbling lake in the background. I pondered the mountaintop shrine, presumably installed as spiritual protection from impending disaster. I laughed at the No Smoking sign that was ignored by the crater with all manner of blatancy. And I pinched myself at the realisation that a lifelong dream had been fulfilled.

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Warra warra wai

‘Warra warra wai‘ is written on the footpath, just south of the spot where Captain Cook first set foot on Aboriginal soil in 1770.

It means ‘Go away.’

How humbling to stand here 242 years later.

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Neon saint

I had a very interesting experience last night.

In the wee hours of the morning, maybe 2 or 3am, my subconscious instilled me with a rather compelling dream.

I dreamt I was in an elevator in a tall building – not a modern elevator, but an old-fashioned caged hoist. It wasn’t fully caged either. The top half of the cage was completely exposed, not dissimilar to the basket at the top of a cherry picker except slightly larger and connected by rope to an antiquated hydraulic system. A glance upwards revealed the unkempt concrete elevator shaft, extending above me for what seemed like miles.

The elevator wasn’t working properly. It wouldn’t stop in line with the floors I wanted to exit at. Instead, it would stop half way between floors, with an inaccessible closed door above me and another below. It kept moving up, attempting to stop at each floor until it reached the top of the building and I could travel no longer. The lift wouldn’t respond and I realised I was trapped in this cage at the top of the shaft, when all of a sudden its brakes gave in and I began falling toward the bottom. It wasn’t falling at a dangerous pace – it felt quite steady & controlled – but it was falling nonetheless. Eventually it hit the ground, and at the exact instant it made contact, I jolted awake suddenly and opened my eyes.

Then came the interesting bit!

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Phase Of Mind

Earlier this year I recorded a few lines for a song called Phase Of Mind by my mate silvabeats, a producer from my hometown of Townsville. Here’s the final product!

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silvabeats is a recording artist from tropical Townsville, North Queensland, Australia. silvabeats produces music that is a unique mix of Hip Hop, Rock, Electronic, and Dance.

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If you dig the tune, you should totally pay a visit to the silvabeats website where you can sample some of his other tracks: http://www.silvabeats.com. There are some free MP3 downloads, and you can also get your hands on a copy of his debut album, Aussie Kiss.

Check it out!

Merry In Merrylands

Merry In Merrylands: Winner of the Peoples Choice Award at the 2012 SydneyVision Song Contest!

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Rain

The vapour billows in
Merging with the distant mountain silhouette
Smothering the sky
Blackening the heavens above
Protecting the land from the harsh golden rays
Some take heed in the imminent fall
Yet I continue on my way
More alive than ever
Together we journey home

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Auckland Street Art

Last week I paid my first ever visit to New Zealand and spent some time in Auckland, the country’s largest urban area. On the Saturday morning I decided to explore the town by foot with no particular destination in mind – just a stroll through the city streets, occasionally turning a corner wherever I noticed something of interest. I began at Viaduct Wharf and made my way to Victoria Park before deviating towards Ponsonby and continuing all the way across the motorway through Newton and south to Mt Eden.

To my great delight, what I saw was unexpectedly cultural and beautiful

I couldn’t help but pay particular interest to the incredible artwork sprawled around the back alleyways… the local Auckland street artists possess some true talent, that’s for sure.  Here are some pics I took of the sheer vibrance, depth, humour and passion I was lucky enough to encounter along my promenade.

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Vegetable Marrow

Here, I present to you the very best of vegetable marrow poetry, straight from the inkwells & quills of 1930′s Australian youth:

Oh! vegetable marrow, sweet vegetable marrow,
How beautiful you look to me,
But I like you best when you’re dressed
In white sauce for my tea!

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